New Years Resolutions You Can Easily Keep

I recovered this list from www.listafterlist.com

The "experts", who ever the experts are, recommend that when making New Years Resolutions one should make resolutions they can keep. You know like Watch Less TV. I have never really taken the experts advice in the past but this year I thought I might start a list of resolutions that one could keep, pretty easily, thus improving their self esteem. This is just a starter list, add your own, I need some ideas.


1. Gain 30 pounds.. This would be much easier and more fun than losing 10.
2. Insist on taking everything personally. The world revolves around me doesn't it?
3. Lust in your mind, daily
4. Always, No not always, Never, yeah never, no not never.. Sometimes okay Occassionally be courteous
5. Avoid shooting a nail gun up your nose
6. Put things off, in other words procrastinate more.. Begin sometime next year if possible
7. Eat,sleep,breath, and void yourself of waste and gases when necessary or fun
8. Listen to your friends, then ignore their advice
9. Create more than your fair share of carbon monoxide
10. Laugh at innapropriate times
11. After a couple of drinks go ahead and tell that raunchy joke to mixed company, then regret it the next day
12. Carpe Pizza - Seize the Pizza Take first and last piece of every pizza all year

This came from JokeMan

If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly..... He might write something like this

A dear friend of mine who lives "up north" sent these letters from children and the replies that Santa really wanted to send, but didn't

Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you,didn't they? Santa

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the sh!ts and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condoin Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the a$$es of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy, That whiney begging sh!t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Dear Mark, First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your a$$ whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa

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Cat Poop Coffee

Now here's a bit of info Trailer Guy Bob found online regarding foodstuffs you won't want to pass on.
But I will.

Kopi Luwak or Civet coffee sells for over $100 a pound and in some places $50 a cup. Kopi Luwak or “CAT POOP COFFEE” is coffee made from coffee beans which have been eaten by and passed through the digestive tract of the Asian Palm Civet, that’s a fancy name for a cat. These cats eat the ripe beans, and excrete (pronounced “poop”) partially-digested beans in their feces (also pronounced “poop”), which are then collected (by stinky fingers no doubt) for sale. This unique harvest takes place on the islands of Sumatra, Java and Sulawesi in the Indonesian Archipelago, in the Philippines , and in south India.

There’s a variety in Vietnam (they call it Weasel Coffee in Viet Nam, and some say it’s regurgitated (pronounced “barfed”) not pooped but they are wrong otherwise I think it might be called Weasel Barf Coffee, and that just doesn’t sound that good.

What are some other expensive beans? Check out these, and none of them take that long colon trip of the Kopi Luwak, cept perhaps the last one….

Kopi Luwak Indonesia $160 per pound

Hacienda La Esmeralda Boquete, Panama $104 per pound

Island of St. Helena Coffee Company St. Helena $79 per pound

El Injerto Huehuetenango, Guatemala $25 per pound green

Fazenda Santa Ines Minas Gerais, Brazil $50 per pound green

Blue Mountain Wallenford Estate, Jamaica $49 per pound

Los Planes Citala, El Salvador 40 per pound

Kona Hawaii $34 per pound

Starbucks Rwanda Blue Bourbon Gatare/Karengera, Rwanda $24 per pound

Yauco Selecto AA Puerto Rico $22 per pound

Fazenda Sao Benedito Minas Gerias, Brazil $21 per pound

Trailer Guy Bob Coffee USA (processed through over 5 feet of colon) $200 per pound (available upon request)

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